悲情城市

With such room, such weather, such timing, such mood, I watched a film that I will never forget. I admitted that I had projected my depression onto the film. But that will only add more sadness to the world and not reducing its beauty. What will I write? My dreadful state of mind, or the mind of the dreadful, which shown in the film? Of course. How come I forgot it again. Sadness can only be written about when it has not reached the maximum threshold. Let's drop the pen. I surrender to my heart. It hurts, especially at night.

Okay. Let's look at my rational side. I am very very very very very happy to have watched the film. And it's a shame really to have watched it almost 20 years after it was released. I asked a friend from Taiwan about the film and we had a very interesting discussion. We talked about White Terror, the martial law, the hybridity of taiwanese, the history of democracy, the meaning of Chinese culture, and so on...but i can't go on...

I watched the film on 4/6 and the film was filmed in 1989. The film's white terror is just the opposite but not very far from the 'black' terror happened in the same year. As if everything is meant to put together. Suddenly I thought myself had a glimpse of what human really is - his brutality exploded under dominion, his infinite sadness cannot be articulated with words, his perpetual desire to end his own life. What is humanity? Is it not destructions in disguise. Is it not chaos in order? Is it not soberiety out of the spirit of drunkenness? I just cannot cry. My retarded mind is pitifully rationalized. But yet fully rationalized. As if a machine foresees that he will feel tired one day. Why should we look at the brutality of history? Does it mean there will be none in the future? When brutality stops at the outside, it will revenge on the inside. Everyone will be brutal to him/herself. Mind you the difference between brutal and cruel. We are cruel, but we will become brutal one day. Cruelty is pleasurable violence; but brutality is dreadful; it's dreadful! It destroys without remorse and no redemption is ever needed.

I thought I could forget my pain by throwing myself into books and writing. Now the machine is trying to forget. The common saying is that: if you try hard to forget, that to-be-forgotten thing will be more vivid in your memory. I can't say it's wrong, but i think something more complicated is going on. Perhaps memory becomes dormant at times and active when you have the least expectations. Can I store my heart in the freezer? I got a good freezer in the kitched. It's 2m x 1m x 1m big and i think people have also been storing their organs inside. Shall we try this? But i need your help. Because I might not want my heart back when i can get rid of all emotions in human beings. Please, 3 years later, 3 years later, put my heart back to my chest. Just plunge it with a garden knife. Use gloves, and wipe the blood with care. I don't want to be dead when I have my heart again!

Now slash here. No, a bit closer to the left. Yes. Plunge it. I said plunge it!

With such room, such weather, such timing, such mood, he will never forget the film he watched. At the same time, he forgot his feeling about what he watched, he tasted, he heard, he smelled. For that he made the decision. Three years later he will be fine.